PAUL BROWN STADIUM—Following Sunday’s game between the Cincinnati Bengals and Cleveland Browns, outspoken linebacker James Harrison criticized NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell once again regarding his attempt to ban helmet-to-helmet hits. In the midst of his rant, however, Harrison forgot where he was, how he had gotten there, and why he was mad at some man named Roger.
“The Commish think he’s all that,” a clearly disheveled Harrison said, as he stumbled out of the locker room with his sunglasses askew, shirt unbuttoned, and backwards pants.
“He wants to change this game to some pee-wee football bullshit. Might as well put flags on the running back’s waist and tell me to pull them off. All I wanna do is hear some guy’s bones crush from the force of my head slamming into him. Wait… where the fuck am I? What’s going on?”
Collecting himself, Harrison continued, “Roger’s ruining what makes America so great! Rog- wait… huh?” Harrison then quickly sat down and began breathing deeply, no doubt calming himself before another frustrated outburst. He then took out a handkerchief and wiped the sweat off his brow and the blood trickling out of his ear.
Concussion studies estimate that Harrison’s brain smashes violently against his mortal skull dozens of times per season. A mere 73 Newtons of force is required to cause a small fracture in the cranium. In spite of this, Harrison was able to remember his name and unwillingness to leave the violent game of football, immediately issuing another tirade against Mr. Goodell.
“This man in a suit is telling me how to play a game I’ve been playin’ for my whole life. Who the hell does he think he is?” Harrison reiterated.
At press time, Harrison was being tested for chronic traumatic encephalopathy and repeatedly slamming his head against a wall in preparation for next week’s game against the Baltimore Ravens.