After Gold Medal Win, American Ice Dancing Pair Excited to Return to Life of Obscurity on UM Campus

University students Charlie Davis and Meryl White won gold in Ice Dancing at the Sochi Olympics this past week, becoming the first Americans in Olympic history to win the event. Beating out Canadian rivals Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir by over four points, Davis and White stood at the top of the podium while the national anthem played, blissfully unaware of how little their accomplishments would mean back on campus.

“It’s incredible; we really just can’t believe it,” said Davis after the medal ceremony. “We’ve been working toward this moment for our entire lives and to finally stand here with [Meryl] is a dream come true,” continued the greatest American ice dancer alive today, who next week would be mistaken for somebody else and spend his weeknights in Hatcher Library.

“Here in Sochi, we’re treated like gods,” echoed White, who dazzled the judges with her nimble footwork and quick choreography. “Little kids ask for my autograph. Bouquets littered the rink after each of our performances. Fans from all over the world cheer our names,” she continued, who, in a week, will receive neither recognition nor even a discount while in line at Bert’s waiting for coffee.

“Receiving this medal is one of the proudest moments of my life and I’m so honored to win it for my country,” she continued, radiating with elegance. White admitted that she will cherish the medal forever, placing it in her room in a frame that will eventually be spilled on with soda and bong water while her roommates use it as a coaster.

Throughout the competition, Davis and White placed some of the highest scores ever recorded in the sport. Their score of 78.89 in the Short Dance portion broke the previous world record and reestablished the US as a formidable skating country, will almost certainly be forgotten after the UM basketball game against Michigan State on Sunday, if students even knew what their score was in the first place.

“When we return to Michigan though, we just want to be treated like we were before,” smiled a handsome Davis, naively unaware of just how normally they would be treated immediately after returning to campus. “We’re just a couple of Michigan students who have to do homework and go to classes like everyone else.” In fact, the couple plan to continue studying amongst their peers in the Shapiro Library; which is convenient, as they will be unable to take advantage of University Varsity Athletic facilities anyway–losing in bowl games sponsored by a chicken wings and beer joint continues to rank above winning a Gold Medal in the hierarchy of athletic prowess.

At press time, the two or three ice dancing fans on campus were lining up waiting for the renowned dancers’ return from Sochi, and the ice skating club was planning a “Meet Charlie Davis and Meryl White Lunch,” sure to be sparsely attended.

Originally published Feb. 2014

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