Alternative Spring Break Group to Help Real Spring Breakers Locate Dignity

CANCUN, CABO, PANAMA CITY BEACH, LAS VEGAS, YOU GET THE IDEA—The University’s Alternative Spring Break Program will be featuring a new service option for students looking to have a selfless and rewarding spring break experience.

This year, a group of twenty generous young people will head down to Mexico at the end of the month to help their fellow students regain the pride and memories that will be lost during the weeklong vacation.

“We are looking to promote a no-judgment zone for the distressed and hungover in several different popular spring break destinations,” says group leader Valerie Douglas. “It’s important to take action immediately as drunken mistakes are made. Often times, young people from pampered backgrounds lack the initiative, resources or physical capabilities to fully get their shit together after they’ve experienced a night of questionable morals and a fifth of José Cuervo.”

Because this trip is a first for the Alternative Spring Break Program, Douglas expressed some concern for the program’s launch.

“This will be one of our most challenging trips, as there are a number of things that could threaten the success of our mission. Of course alcohol-induced memory loss is a major problem. In order to rebuild the dignity of a vacationer, we need to be able to determine where exactly it was lost, be it on the phone with an ex or beneath the bubbles at a private Jacuzzi party. Though I’d say our most alarming threat lately is probably the YOLO complex.”

Douglas explained that the program will also feature a follow-up rehabilitation session in Ann Arbor, in which volunteers will aid returning vacationers in untagging compromising facebook photos and providing free, confidential STD testing.

Campus responses to the trip’s goals have not been encouraging. Angela Evans, whose spring break plans include a trip with her sorority sisters, insists that the program is personally insulting.

“If I need people to follow me around and help me fix drunken mistakes, I’ll hire them myself.”

Originally published Feb 2014.

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