Ask a Couple Showering Together With Soap in Their Eyes

Dear Couple Showering Together With Soap in Their Eyes,

I am a junior this year and I have to decide if I am going to apply for grad school. I always planned on getting my Master’s degree, but as the application deadline grows closer and closer, I am worried about how much it is going to cost. I already have thousands of dollars of student loans to pay back and it just seems so impractical to pile on more debt. Should I pursue my dream of going to grad school, or should I put my dreams on hold and try to get a job first?

-Stressed over Student Loans

Dear Stressed,

Can you go turn the shower on? Yeah, I’ll be right in. Mmmm, it’s so steamy in here. Mmmm this is so nice. You’re sure your roommate won’t be home for a while? Okay good cause I don’t want to have to get out any time soon. Babe, will you help me wash my hair? Mmm that’s niiice. Mmm. Ahhuhhh, wait can you move really quick? Ow ow. Shit. Ouch it’s in my eye. No, no it’s fine hold on I’ll wash it out. Can you turn the water temperature down a little so I can run my eye under it?

Dear Couple Showering Together With Soap in Their Eyes,

I’ve been very busy the last few months and as a result, I have put on a few extra pounds. Since my weight gain, my boyfriend has gotten distant and doesn’t seem as interested in me as he used to be. I love my boyfriend a lot, but I can’t believe he’s being so shallow. Should I stick around and try to lose the weight for him, or should I leave him—even though it will hurt—for someone more understanding?

-BF or BMI begone?

Dear Begone,

Too cold! Too cold! Turn it back up. Here, I’ll just go run it under the sink water. No, it’s okay. I can make it. I can still open the other eye. Hold on I’ll be right back. Ow! Shit! Sorry. No, I was trying to kiss you! My depth perception is all off. Okay just a second. God this hurts. Okay. Ahh shit! No I’m fine. I meant to slip in the water dripping on to the floor. Alright here we go. Ouch ow. Ahh ow. Okay, okay I think its okay. Sorry, Babe. Mmmm alright, where were we?

Dear Couple Showering Together With Soap in Their Eyes,

 My roommate always keeps the lights on to do her homework when I’m ready to go to bed, but it’s too bright for me to fall asleep. Whenever I ask her if I can turn them off, she says it’s fine, but then she just turns them on a few minutes later anyway. I have even tried to persuade her to buy a little reading light for just her side of the room, but she won’t do it. Is there some way to get her to compromise with me?

-No Sleep ‘til Brooklyn is Done With Her Homework

Dear No Sleep,

Nope not okay! Oh God it’s spreading! It’s both eyes now! I can’t see anything. I don’t want to slip. Babe, where are you? Oh God was that your eye?! Shit shit, were my hands still soapy? I’m so sorry! I’m sorry! I couldn’t see anything! Oh God the burning! We have to flush it out. Can you still open one eye? Okay turn the water down just a little. Ahh! No warmer! Warmer! Ow ahh god! What’s wrong with you?! Now it’s scalding! EVERYTHING BURNS. I’m gonna go blind. This is the end. Oh god, I’m never going to see your face again. Or your butt. Shit, you have a nice ass. Okay move let me do it. Okay this feels cool enough. Okay we’ll just take turns putting our faces under the water for a few seconds. Ahh that’s better. This looked way hotter online.

Originally published: Feb 2014

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