Beard Rescues Pudgy Man’s Jawline From Lifetime Of Obscurity

Area chubster Darren Malone was relieved to wake up last Wednesday morning and find that his ever-disappearing jawline is once again visible thanks to his facial hair.

“I’ve put on a lot of weight lately,” Malone explained, “and I had been starting to worry about my primary chin getting lost in the successive ones.” Upon seeing himself in the mirror that morning, the local pudgemuffin realized that he need not worry.

“Just like that, my hair follicles came through, and problem solved!” Malone said. “My faith in the human body has been restored. I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to adequately express my thanks.”

The facial hair, which could not be reached for a comment, seems to have worked under the cover of night to grow stealthily from sideburn- to-sideburn, tracing Malone’s jawline and creating a barrier between his doughy chin and his next doughy chin.

In light of his good fortune, Malone says he is inspired take more control over his body. With care that he has never applied to maintaining other aspects of his appearance, Malone has pledged to maintain his shape by tending to his beard daily.

“I try to trim every morning as soon as I get up, no excuses. It really starts my day off right. I even bought some new equipment, so hopefully that helps me stay motivated,” he said, gesturing toward a set of electric razors.

Now that his chin-related fears have abated, the thankful chubscout reports that he can return his attention to everyday concerns, such as the flight of stairs he must climb to his office each morning.

Originally published: Jan 2014

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