Doctor Tim Stanley, who has found great success in his fifteen-year career with the University of Michigan Health System believes he may have taken on his “most difficult case yet.” Only moments after learning his liver had serious damage due to alcohol consumption, Stanley’s patient Phil Smith lifted his fists in the air and screamed ‘Collleeegeee!’
Smith, or as his friends call him, Franzia Phil, seemed to be anything but surprised by the news. “I’ve been drinking a lot the past few years, I’ll admit,” says Smith. “I’d say I’ve been averaging about three beers a day for the last four years. And those are just the ones I can recall.” Smith
did all of this while also balancing his roles in the fraternity. “I’ve been a pledgemaster for a semester now” says Smith, smiling as if this were an accomplishment. “It’s really been an honor, and I feel like I’m doing great things in that role. Oh, and I was Chair of Academic Affairs for two years. That was okay.”
Despite all he has to lose, Smith does not appear to be upset by his diagnosis. “I knew I had done some damage, but this is really impressive,” Smith explains. “Wow, the guys are going to be amazed when they see this. This might be a new chapter record.”
Dr. Stanley was less impressed with the results. Dr. Stanley, who has done extensive research on the effects of alcohol on the body, believes this is one of the worst cases he has ever seen. “He is legitimately a dead man walking,” he says.
When asked about the long-term effects of this kind of damage, Dr. Stanley admitted that the prognosis was grim. “Unless modern science develops at a pace never seen before and they can give him a iron liver by next week, I’d give him until the end of the summer.” Dr. Stanley says the hardest part about his job is typically separating his work and his emotions. “Except for this case, that is. Phil is a shithead.”
Smith’s fraternity brothers are concerned, but don’t want to pressure Smith into changing his lifestyle. “Franzia Phil is a great guy who means a lot to this brotherhood,” junior Tim Cleaton said while spitting out his dip and playing FIFA.
“I don’t want him to think he has to change who he is. Besides, we were going do to the gallon challenge with beer tonight. Who else would do that with me?”
Smith, who admits his GPA is “somewhere towards the left side of the ole bell curve”, sees a bright future for himself and doesn’t think any change in his drinking is necessary for now. “I figured after college I’d probably cut down on the drinking later anyways,” Smith says as he sips on a 40 ounce beer. “I want to go into teaching, you know? Kids are my life.” Smith then turned around, flipped a table, and screamed, “No parents! No rules!”