DPS Left With No Suspects After Man Confesses to Triple Homicide

University officials reported Tuesday that the Department of Public Safety is continuing its investigation into potential suspects after student Andrew Renkin confessed to single-handedly murdering all three residents in the apartment below his.

“At this time, we have a few leads but no concrete suspect in the case,” said DPS officer John Anders. “We appreciate the continued support of the community in helping us find whoever committed this heinous crime and send our sympathy to the victims’ families.”

In an email sent to students and faculty Wednesday morning, DPS announced that a triple homicide had occurred on the 1100 block of Church Street at around 2 A.M. At present, DPS officials believe the perpetrator was between 5’4” and 7’1”, was either bald or had flowing brown hair, and was likely between 160 lbs and 510 lbs. DPS officials believe the key factor to identifying the murderer will be his large tattoo, which is either a giant Yin-Yang on his face or maybe a tiny dragon on his left shoulder.

Renkin, who in fact has no tattoo at all, has continued to talk openly about the slaughter of his neighbors with no contact at all from DPS.

“I live above three undergrads who were constantly throwing parties, smoking, and having obnoxiously loud sex,” Renkin said through a megaphone outside the DPS office during peak hours. “It irritated me, so I murdered them.”

Upon hearing the public confession, DPS officials closed the windows so they could continue focusing on the case.

“At this point, any tiny thing would help, so if you have any undisclosed knowledge regarding the crime, please let us know,” Officer Anders said in a press conference on Monday. “I know the community is frustrated we haven’t found a suspect yet, but believe me, my team and I are frustrated too. We keep feeling like some sort of giant clue is right next to us, yet still out of our grasp.”

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