Enlightened Douchebag Vows to Be Total Dick to Anyone, Regardless of Race, Religion, or Sexual Orientation

Recently, peers have commended LSA senior and “all around choch” Mike Durant for his ability to see past color, ethnicity, gender identity, sexual preference, and any other number of stigmatizing differences–– in order to ensure that he’s a real prick to anybody.

“This school teaches people to expect respect, and I take that seriously,” Durant said. “So when I see some gay kid walking down the sidewalk, I don’t mock him for who he is naturally attracted to. He can’t help that; love is love. Instead, I aim my insults at a more neutral topic: like how unbelievably shitty he looks today.”

Previously, Durant’s peers expressed reservations about his constants bouts of antagonism. But, reportedly, they are now able to see his embodiment of a “truly unbiased” method of intimidation.

“A few months ago I saw Mike pretend that he was going to run into a black student while on his moped. I thought at first he might be targeting him because of his race: why else would you be an asshole like that?” said Art and Design sophomore Pam Kebler.

“But then a couple of weeks ago I saw him do the same thing to a bunch of white guys and it made me feel a lot better. I realized that Mike’s just a real piece of shit to everyone, no matter their differences.”

“A lot of people use the word ‘colorblind’ to describe me, and I think that’s pretty fitting. I’m just as likely to tell some Iraqi girl how her comments in class were pointless and made her look stupid as I am to trip some rich white kid when he’s rushing to class,” Durant said.

However, Durant has expressed frustration at the fact that not everybody is as open minded as he is about wanton social provocation.

“It’s pretty sad, actually. You hear all about what an accepting campus is, yet you still see prejudice on a daily basis. For example, on my way to the bar I saw some guys cat-calling a girl and making lewd remarks. I explained to them that sexual harassment is a day-to-day occurrence for women and that they should show some respect by not making demeaning remarks, and I think they really learned a lesson.”

“Besides,” Durant added, “they were completely ignoring the fact that her crossed eyes made her look like a dying possum.”

 

Originally Published Feb 2014

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