JK Rowling Reveals Ron and Hermione Are Fictional Characters, None of It Matters

In an announcement that shocked fans of the worldwide bestselling Harry Potter series, author JK Rowling revealed that Ron and Hermione are not married, but are instead just two of the many fictional characters that Rowling made up and do not exist.

“I always thought there was something off about Ron and Hermione’s pairing,” said Potter super-fan Rebecca Goldstein. “But when Rowling revealed the reason – that they are both fictional and fictional characters cannot be in relationships – I was a bit crushed.

“Where does she get off retconning the series like that?” asked President of the North American Harry Potter Fan Club (NAHPFC). “It was pretty unfair of her to go and say that when she didn’t even hint at that in the books.”

In addition to Rowling’s comments, Emma Watson, who gained international fame by pretending to be someone named Hermione Granger, also confessed culpability in the scandal. Watson admitted that both her famous persona and eventual marriage to Ron Weasley were part of a giant sham orchestrated by Rowling, adding that she feels extreme guilt when approached by excited fans convinced they are meeting a powerful witch who is married to redheaded heartthrob Ron Weasley.

Rowling admitted that the pairing was done mostly for what she called “personal reasons,” which sources indicate to be “illogical wish fulfillment,” the same phenomena that allowed readers to actually believe the terrible epilogue that outlined the Granger-Weasley marriage. Like many fans, Rowling had a desire to live vicariously through a series of magical events that never had and never could happen to anyone.

Ron Weasley, who was revealed to be a combination of words on a page and the individual imaginations of each reader, could not be reached for comment.

Originally published Feb. 2014

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