Local Halfwit Bedeviled by His Word-of-the-Day Calendar

Thanks to his 2014 word-of-the-day calendar, local man Bert Vaughn is out to prove that all prior assumptions about his lack of smarts are simply untrue. The daily calendar features a new vocabulary word and definition on each page, and Vaughn claims that it will “metamorphose [his] life, probably.”

“People never really thought I was good at things,” Vaughn said. “Sitting in school wasn’t for me, and no one was surprised when Chuck E. Cheese’s fired me last month. But I procured this calendar at the beginning of the annum, and I know it’s going to ameliorate my whole life. At my high school reunion this summer, I’m going to discombobulate all those stuck up jerks. I’ve practiced my words a whole bunch, so that’ll give me some verisimilitude.”

Unfortunately, Vaughn says his new interest in language has caused problems in his social life. “Sometimes it’s hard to confabulate with people. Whenever I try to talk to my materfamilias now, she looks at me real nonplussed, like I’m saying something totally esoteric. And it’s unpropitious that I can’t even talk to her since I live in her basement.”

For his part, Vaughn says he is turning his focus toward furthering his career. “I’m going to try to return to my metier at Chuck E. Cheese’s. A guy like me is a desideratum there now.”

Whether or not his plans pan out, Vaughn insists that he will keep his head high and “continue to be cognizant of words and stuff.”

 

Originally published: Jan 2014

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