UMich Archaeologists Uncover UMich Archaeology Museum

SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF STATE STREET—A startling discovery was made last Wednesday when professors from the department of archaeological anthropology uncovered what they believe to be the Kelsey Museum of Archaeology. The doors of the museum were unsealed Thursday morning for what may be the first time in modern history, sources say.

“It’s a remarkable discovery, and it’s been right next to the LSA building this whole time!” said Professor Patrick Wright. “It appears that no one has entered or left the museum in ages.”

Artifacts uncovered on site include several fine specimens of Greek and Roman masonry, a collection of Egyptian sarcophagi, and the preserved corpse of the museum desk clerk. “We’ve been given a really fascinating look into the lives of the people of this museum. For example, the desk clerk, in a sacrifice analogous to the servants of Pharaohs being imprisoned beneath the pyramids, remained completely alone for hours waiting for people to visit.”

Most of Wright’s contemporaries agree this find can help us understand more about the Kelsey Museum and the behavior patterns of its patrons.

“It appears to be some kind of shrine, a temple of sorts, to an order known as the archaeologist,” continued Wright. “It tells us a lot about the culture and time period this particular site is from. It would seem that because of some strange, misplaced nostalgia, these archaeologists collected all sorts of fragments from long dead civilizations, with rituals that included months of laborious digging, often uncovering nothing but pottery shards. And even before these archaeologists could do that, they spent years locked indoors, in a celibate order known as graduate school learning all they could about trivial, esoteric details of insignificant and far flung cultures, looking for some kind of meaning, some shred of beauty, to apply to the chaotic and unsentimental world they found themselves in.”

“What would drive them to preserve antiquity while their youth drained away, and the world flew by, leaving them unnoticed and unappreciated? What could the cold remnants of lives gone by offer those sad, lifeless intellectuals? Where is the adventure?” Wright continues, “Where are the untouched corners of the world, the golden idols, that I was promised?”

Shortly following the museum’s uncovering, another member of the archaeological team reported having seen Wright flee the excavation site, mumbling something unintelligible about focusing on his marriage, making amends with his dying father, and traveling to Cabo San Lucas.

Originally Published Feb 2014

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