Ask A Musher Fighting For First In The Iditarod

Dear Musher Fighting for First in The Iditarod,

I’ve started to suspect that my best friend since 3rd grade has developed an eating disorder, and this wouldn’t be the first time. Four years ago I confronted her about her bulimia, and although she admitted it, she didn’t talk to me for a month. I’m afraid that the same thing will happen if I confront her about her problem again, and she will be left with no one to support her during her time of need. Should I say nothing and continue to keep a close eye on her, or confront her at the risk of her further alienating herself?


Nervous BFF.


Dear Nervous BFF,

COME HAW! COME HAW! Straight ahead. Go HAW.  Go, Jody, go! Line out! This is our time girl, this is our year! Hike, Hike! Line Out! Gee on by! YAH, YAH! HIKE! Get ready to line out. HIKE, SNICKERS, HIKE. Gee! There you go girl, there you go! Hey Jerry, how’s it feel to get passed by a Siberian lead dog? Your malamutes are looking a little winded, bet they’re shaking in their polar fleece booties after meeting the icy blue stare of my Snickers. YAH YAH!


Dear Musher Fighting for First in The Iditarod,

 Recently, my eight-year old daughter proudly walked into the kitchen and told me she was a lesbian. Now, I’m as accepting as the next person, but I’m concerned that she is too young to really know what that means. If I question her about it she may think I am being insensitive to her feelings, but I don’t want her to go around identifying herself that way if the feelings aren’t genuine. What should I do?


Loving but Confused.


Dear Loving but Confused,

Final stretch Jody, final stretch! HIKE! HIKE! HIKE! HIKE! Gangline is loose! Line out Jody! Come on, Snickers, gee! GEE, SNICKERS! GEE! You’re fucking us, Snickers! Do you really want to cause us to be the laughing stock of the entire town of Ketchikan, Alaska? Straighten out! There ya go! UP UP! HIKE! No, Snickers, leave it! Leave it, Snickers! Put down the squirrel, Snickers! Drop it! Line Out! Hike!


Dear Musher Fighting for First in The Iditarod,

I broke up with my boyfriend recently, and he has not been taking it well to say the least. He still calls me several times a day, saying he can’t live without me and that he’ll never be happy again. I’ve heard from his friends that he’s been drinking heavily, and most recently he even threatened to hurt himself if I don’t take him back and I’m afraid he means it. Is getting back together worth it if it will save him from himself? Or will I just be enabling him?


Worried About Former Flame.


Dear Worried About Former Flame,

On by, on by! We’re just about to pass that asshat, Ted Waananen! Do you remember how he humiliated us during regionals? DO YOU? YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AGAIN? Then on by! That’s it boys, straight ahead, straight ahead! Come haw! Atta girl, Roxy, way to execute that 180 degree turn! I know you’re tired boys, I know, but HIKE! HIKE! Pain is temporary, but the glory of winning the 41st annual Iditarod is forever!

Originally published: March 2014


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