Local Woman Embarks on Relationship With Man Who Will Ruin All Other Men Forever

Ann Arbor resident Lisa Shields has recently entered into a relationship with local doctor, Todd Guser, a near-perfect man most notable for setting the dating expectations of Lisa Shields far too high, forever.

During the course of their relationship, which began Tuesday and will be over before the end of May, Guser will offer Shields daily back massages, forgo existing social plans to spend time with Shields, and even shut the door when he pees in Shields’ presence. Sources report that Guser’s insistence on not staring at any scantily clad women they may encounter will make Shields start a fight with every future boyfriend that does so over the next 30 years.

“Todd really is amazing,” said the woman who will never be able to honestly say so about another man. “He is funny and hardworking and he treats me like a queen.” This reportedly regal treatment will be of particular annoyance to her future husband, who will be subjected to years of comments regarding Guser’s smoother way with words, his superior hygiene habits, and his more affectionate manner.

When Shields’ next two boyfriends cheat on her, neither of them will do it with someone quite so attractive as the homewrecker Guser landed.

At press time, Guser could be found having dinner with local woman Lisa Shields, a nervous train wreck of a person whose behavior will assure Guser that he never wants to date someone like that ever, ever again.

Originally published March 2014

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