New Realistically Proportioned Barbie Doll to Only Feature Outfits for Realistically Attainable Careers

In an effort to promote healthy self-image among young girls, Mattel has decided to create a new Barbie doll that portrays the average woman by altering not only her unattainable bust-waist-hip ratio, but also her overly ambitious career choices. “We understand that young girls need positive images of normal women who they can look up to, which is why we decided Barbie’s legs shouldn’t be so long, and her waist needs a little more girth,” said Mattel’s lead artist Margarita Evans. “That’s also why we swapped out Olympic Gymnast Barbie in favor of Bitter High School Coach Barbie.”

Evans hopes that the new line of dolls will soon be beloved by girls nationwide.“We’ve added lots of special features to make these realistic dolls just as fun as the classic Barbie. When you push a button on Office Worker Barbie’s back, her carpal tunnel flares up!”

Also among the newly released toys is Maternity Leave Barbie, who features a lactationpadded bra, excess skin around her abdomen, and stained sweatpants. “Let’s face it, previous Barbies have set unattainable goals for young girls which can negatively affect their self-esteem,” Mattel CEO Bryan Stockton said. “That’s why we’re producing dolls like  Born Outside of the United States Who Will Never Get to Run for President Barbie, to teach girls to celebrate and accept their limitations.”

“I am so happy that I decided to buy a doll that my daughter can admire with confidence,” said local mother Jeannie Malone. “Now, when she plays with Barista Barbie, I know she’ll feel comfortable with the fact that she reads more slowly than the rest of the kids in her class and that she’ll probably never achieve anything intellectually.”

Despite a positive response from consumers, Evans insists that these remodeled Barbies will still adhere to some of the standards set by the toy’s classic version. “We still wanted to make a doll with that go-and-get-it, high-achieving spirit that Barbie has always had, so we’re working on one that features a tailored suit, an ivy league degree, and personalized business cards. We call her 77-Cents-On-The-Dollar Barbie. She’s a doll girls can really look up to.”

Originally published March 2014

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