In continuation of his unorthodox charitable acts, Pope Francis has accepted a job in Compton, Los Angeles teaching a group of tough-as-nails kids from the street remedial algebra.
While Francis has waged considerable efforts against intolerance, economic injustice, and corruption within his own church, Vatican analysts have suggested that shaping this group of undisciplined students into responsible adults may be Francis’ toughest job yet.
“He has done so much for the poor, but I’m not sure what he can do with these kids,” said a high-ranking church official. “Will Pope Francis fail miserably, or will he succeed against all odds? I don’t know, but either way, this inspiring quest to teach these kids to exceed expectations will be a must-see.”
The His Holiness’ efforts have also met cautious skepticism from both students and administration.
“I don’t know who this Pope guy thinks he is,” said student Jamal Anderson, an at-risk youth with potential that only the right teacher can help him achieve. “This white dude just comes in here like he’s gonna solve all our problems? Get real. I know he’s all ‘infallible’ and shit, but this dude is whack.”
“His hat is hella fresh though,” added the student, expressing a brief moment of respect for the Vicar of Jesus Christ.
“I don’t expect much. These kids come from broken homes and don’t have any real role models. Unless he wants to use tough love and a strong yet gentle demeanor, I don’t see how he’ll change the lives of any of these students,” said stern but encouraging principal Jim Strickland. Strickland added that he was ready to be “pleasantly surprised” if the pope should succeed.
In his first few days at South Compton High School, the Bishop of Rome had a tougher experience than he expected, he said.
“I don’t know how to get to these kids,” said the holy patriarch of the Catholic Church in character-defining moment of weakness. “In one week I’ve seen 3 stbbings, 1 shooting, 5 cars thefts, but zero completed homework assignments. These kids need to understand that an understanding of mathematics can translate into real-world skills.
“Right now, these kids are having a lot of trouble. But I have faith in them,” said Pope Francis. “If, through the power of math, they multiply their efforts and subtract their differences, their futures will be exponentially brighter.”
The Supreme Pontiff and Prince of Apostles announced that, provided his efforts here succeed, he may go on to turn a ragtag group of baseball players with no concept of teamwork into a championship team.
Originally Published Mar 2014