According to a recent study conducted at the ‘U,’ seniors graduating in May no longer have time to “figure it out,” find a job, or avoid the crippling depression characteristic of individuals with a useless degree and no purpose. After days of fundraising and preparation, scientists were able to determine this by collecting a random sample of 2014 calendars and counting backwards from May 3rd.
“Our data clearly shows that it’s nearly April,” said researcher Dr. Jonathan Ward, pointing to a Dora the Explorer calendar. “For seniors who haven’t effectively used the last four years to prepare for the real world, things will not ‘fall into place’ in the next four weeks.”
Sources confirm that thousands of seniors have taken it upon themselves to put aside their looming piles of coursework and attempt to replicate Ward’s study in order to verify his results. Anthropology major Joel Parker reported that all 235 of the trials he conducted while stoned on his couch, staring at his MacBook calendar did, in fact, yield the same result.
“I went from, like, ‘Dude, can’t believe I’m graduating soon! Crazy, right?!’ to doing shots with my roommates to seriously freaking out,” said Parker. “Like, I actually started thinking about updating my résumé and applying for unpaid internships. So I took a deep breath, opened my laptop, and got to work on re- watching 30 Rock from Season 1.”
Many others are being proactive about pushing their anxiety into the near future by taking naps in class, daydreaming about parent- funded summer travels, and meditating on the power of inaction.
“Sure, I seriously regret not changing my major and wasting my last couple years working towards something I don’t even want to do and not making any post-graduation plans,” said philosophy major Isha Patel, “but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”
Dr. Ward reported that although he commends the minority of graduating seniors that do in fact have plans following graduation, in the interest of protecting their safety he advises them to “keep their heads down” and try not to appear “proud” or “happy” in front of their peers. For those in particular that already have jobs lined up, his best advice is to “shut the fuck up.”
Originally Published March 2014