Coked-Up Central Student Government Party Promises to Do All the Things Always Forever

The michigAWESOME party, recently elected to the Central Student Government with a campaign grounded in “student-focused, worldfocused, risky, safe, unified, diverse, traditional, innovative, plentiful, healthful, youthful, and exhilarating leadership,” announced Saturday night that they are “totally fucking stoked” to represent the student body and “bend campus issues right over and spank them.”

The University’s CSG said in a personal statement earlier this week, “We feel like we can do anything, man, CSG is the fucking man, man, you know? Like Goodfellas, Casino, and Wolf of Wall Street shit all wrapped up into one epic movie.”

The new Central Student Government has made good on several of their campaign promises, such as the addition of the “Night Owl” bus service created to reduce sexual assault, a return to the pre- 2014 football seating policy, and the abolishment of last calls at bars because “no one can stop us, don’t you even fucking try.”

Other changes implemented by the new representatives include decreased customs on incoming flights from South America, the removal of mandatory drug tests for Blue Bus driver applicants, and the decriminalization of sucking dick for money.

“Everything’s gonna change, bro, and CSG is fucking coming for it,” reported a representative of the governing body. “CSG is gonna fucking save the Amazon with one hand and punch through the desert for oil with another, I’m gonna have a three way with Jay-Z and Beyonce and take down Russia with the power of music, bro, and then you know what? You know what? It’s all going on my fucking resume.”

“Fuck yeah,” he added.

“People always come up to me, like, when are you going to get things done, like, when are things going to change, like when am I going to, excuse my language, see some goddamn fucking progress around this campus, ya know?” stated michigAWESOME VPelect Taylor Antoni while taking short quick breaths through her nostrils in an attempt to suck in her nosebleed.

“I mean, if I hear one more person asking, like, Taylor, when are these things that need to happen going to happen, I don’t know, but they’re not going to be happy, but I’m going to be happy because I’m the king of the world.”

“WOOO!!” she concluded.

Originally published Apr 2014.

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