A new comprehensive study out this week finds that the 2014 Kindergarten graduates will likely struggle to find a job on any first grade classroom job chart.
“I’ve always dreamed of getting to take care of the classroom pet when I became a first grader,” said Hannah K. from Mrs. Carlson’s class. “I’ve gone through extensive training—I have a computer game about turtles, but now I don’t know if I even can because the boy who can hang upside down on the monkey bars without getting scared told me that Turtle Feeding is a dying industry.”
Of the 5 million Kindergarten graduates, an estimated 32% are expected to be unemployed or underemployed during the coming first grade school year.
Researchers have found that one of the big challenges facing graduates is that many jobs have been outsourced as large, interdistrict corporations push the students out of the market.“The fact of the matter is that we simply don’t have enough jobs on the job chart for these special helpers to take advantage of,” said Principal Raymond Blackwell of Westwood Elementary in Kalamazoo, MI. “We’ve had to outsource so many jobs. For example, the position of Whiteboard Cleaner is now being filled by night janitors because first graders aren’t actually tall enough to handle the dry erasers efficiently.”
On the other hand, many incoming first graders are likely to find that some of them are overqualified for the jobs available. Many students will soon have to face the harsh truth that due to allergies and budget cuts, they will likely be forced to settle for underemployment with simple tasks like Shutting The Windows If The Breeze Is Getting Too Strong.
However the greatest concern of all is that some kids just aren’t qualified to get any job at all in such a competitive domestic market. “By the time they reach graduation, some students will not have the references or skills that can take them places in the first grade,” said first grade teacher Ms. Davis, “They slide through Kindergarten doing the bare minimum, so they can’t expect to find work as a Line Leader.”
Despite these findings, many parents are still hopeful about the future for their shining stars. “At the end of the day it’s all about who you know,” claimed Sophia M.’s mom. “I’ve been inviting Ms. Davis to my Pampered Chef parties all year and offered her exclusive deals on more than one occasion. If I find out my Sophia isn’t leading the Pledge of Allegiance every morning, Davis has got another thing coming.”
Originally published April 2014