Just weeks before she is scheduled to deliver the commencement address for the University of Michigan’s graduating class of 2014, General Motors CEO Mary Barra announced a mandatory recall on all 6,137 graduating seniors due to critical flaws rendering them completely defective in the job market.
“It brings me no joy to label these hardworking students as defective,” Barra testified while on Capitol Hill. “But after a series of hazardous meltdowns and malfunctions with the 2013 models, we can’t with good conscious put these deeply-flawed students in a workplace environment.”
While the announcement comes as a disappointment to expectant graduates who will all be sent back to square one, it was not entirely unexpected. The University first fielded complaints of defective graduates after Stacy Thompson, LSA ’13, was hired by local consulting firm Partners in Success shortly after receiving a degree from the University. Fourteen firm employees were injured by thrusting their faces into their palms after listening to Stacy’s lackluster Prezi slideshow entitled “13 Ways To Get Our Clients Way Excited.”
“The case of Ms. Thompson was just the first warning sign,” Barra explained. “After hearing that Mr. John Wu [Ross, ‘12] and Mr. Steven Koweski [ENG, ‘13] had begun work on an iPhone dating app for triple amputees, we began to doubt the business acumen, workplace skills, and overall intelligence of any recent university graduates.”
Though many were surprised at the recall, others staunchly maintain that Barra had been forewarned about serious flaws within the future graduates and did nothing to prevent it.
“Barra agreed to speak at graduation two months ago, but she shouldn’t have even signed off on it—the writing was on the wall. Top university officials had already warned her of the graduates’ hazardous potential, citing such problems among the class of 2014 as incompetence, entitlement, and a lock-cylinder deficiency that could potentially lead to fatal roll-overs,” corporate watchdog Pilar Guererra said.
“I don’t know how she can sleep at night.”
Originally Published April 2014