ALL-AMERICAN HOMETOWN—After scoring the winning touchdown last Friday night, local football star Jason Turner ran up the bleachers and removed his biology tutor Alice Williams’ thick-framed glasses only to discover his potential love interest was still ugly without them. The discovery came as a shock. “Every popular depiction of the popular teenager/ugly duckling pairing led me to believe she was gonna be bangin’ without out those things,” said Turner.
Turner decided to remove the glasses earlier that week after having awkwardly touched hands during a biology lab while both reached for the same petri dish. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really into the idea of having an emotional connection with a girl, but Jesus, if only I’d known she’d look like this,” admitted Turner.
Despite his initial disappointment, Turner first attempted to remedy the situation. “I figured maybe if I just like tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, her face wouldn’t look so scrunched up.” He reports that this hair adjustment only led to realization that Williams has an unusually large forehead.
Williams says she’s not surprised by the rejection, as it is not the first time something like this has happened to her. “Last winter the point guard tried to take off my hat. I have really frizzy and ugly hair. There is a reason I wear a hat.”
Although Turner may have been disappointed in the dissolution of any possible romantic relationship between himself and Williams, Williams admitted that she doubted it would have even worked out in the long run.
“Jason has an IQ at least thirty points below my own. He literally asked me how to spell Zebra the other day.” On the realistic possibilities for their future, Williams says, “At this point, though, I’m just hoping that we’ll meet again in our early thirties in an independent bookstore, both single, and I’ll have lost fifteen pounds and he’ll have just gotten out of toxic relationship and realize he completely overlooked my charm.”
Originally Published April 2014