Michigan Court Legalizes Gay Marijuana

In a landmark case cheered by progressives and fans of judicial activism alike, a Michigan appeals court has ruled to legalize gay marijuana, making Michigan the first state in the Union to allow the use of homosexual cannabis.

“The court has determined that there is no ethical or legal basis to deny gay marijuana smokers the same rights as straight smokers,” reads the majority opinion written by Judge Maxwell Simpson. “As long as a man or woman has a medicinal license, he or she should be able to smoke some of that good kush with whomever he or she chooses, regardless of orientation.”

Beginning Monday, medical marijuana dispensaries around the state will begin to sell products such as “rainbow kush,” “fabulous sativa,” and “RuPaul’s ‘do you want to take a drag?’ race,” among other cannabis strains geared toward the LGBTQ community.

“This is a big victory, not just for our gay brothers and sisters, but for tokers everywhere,” said Attorney James Nielsen in an interview outside the courthouse. Nielsen spearheaded the challenge against 2008’s Ballot Proposal 2, which legalized the use of medical marijuana, but only for heterosexual users.

“This ban was based on religious opinions rather than constitutional principles. It’s high time that community were ecstatic about the ruling, pro-marijuana activists from the religious right have someone recognized this blatant disregard for the separation of church and vape.”

While many members of Michigan’s gay expressed outrage following the legalization of gay marijuana.

“If you ask me, marijuana is something sacred, which should only be shared between a man and a woman, or just a couple of your straight friends,” said Pastor Devon Francis of the New Life Church. “It says so, right there in the Bible. In Leviticus 4:20, it reads, ‘thou shalt sooner smoke the stems, than blast a joint with a man as if he were a woman.’”

“It’s a slippery slope,” he said. “If two gay men can smoke together and everyone’s fine with it, who’s to say you can’t have three, or even four? Sooner or later, we’re all just gonna try to get the dog high.”

“We should be thinking of the children, they’re the ones who are truly at risk,” said anti-gay-marijuana activist Susan Berne. “I mean, what if kids start smoking the really gay stuff? I don’t think I could handle having my son turn gay after smoking one doobie for his back pain.”

Michigan attorney general Bill Schulte has already filed an appeal to the ruling, and is pursuing a motion to keep gay marijuana banned until a higher court has reached their verdict.

“This ruling is as frivolous as it is fabulous. The voters of Michigan voted on a constitutional amendment to keep the institution of marijuana sacred,” said Schulte. “To overturn the amendment is both a gross overuse of judicial authority, and just like, really gay.”

Originally Published April 2014

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