Oh… hello there. I couldn’t see you come in through all this snow. I bet you thought you’d seen the last of me after April started. I had you all convinced with the warm weather, but it was nothing more than a clever ruse. That’s right baby, I’m still here, and the games are only just beginning.
Surely you never thought I was going to let you all off so easily. That’s not how Winter plays. The thing is, I enjoy watching people suffer. That’s all there is to it. It’s probably because Spring and Autumn got all the attention when we were growing up, but at this point it doesn’t matter.
Besides, anyone living in Michigan in the first place has got to be some kind of sadist. Well, you asked for it, and I’m gonna deliver big time. I’ve got weeks worth of high winds lined up, at least two more snowstorms; heck, I might even throw some hail in there just to really hammer it home.
Mark my words Ann Arbor, I have made it my mission to fuck. You. Up. Those polar vortices were just the appetizer for a multi-course feast of pain. You thought those record low temperatures were bad? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Honestly you might as well just close the University permanently if you want to escape with your lives.
Enjoy the last few vestiges of warmth and sunlight, Ann Arbor, because it’s all you’re gonna get for a long, long time. And if you think you’re out of the woods once I’m done with you, oh ho, just you wait. My homeboy Summer has some sinister shit planned.
Originally published April 2014