According to sources within the house, the sisters of Michigan’s Delta Tau Sigma sorority have become increasingly distressed over the past few months as they watched their cute house puppy Sprinkles make the transformation into a fully-grown, rancid, large-shit-taking house dog.
When Sarah Sand and the other girls of DeltaTau Sigma first received Sprinkles, they posted over 5 Instagrams of the puppy each and even made him a Facebook account. “Sprinkles was the best,” Sand stated. “So cute! So photogenic! His paws were all little and scrunched up! I just don’t know what happened.”
Veterinarian Kim Fleming, an expert on canines, explains that this change in dogs is very common. “Yeah, dogs get older,” she said. “And when they get older, they get bigger. Pretty simple. You’re sure these girls go to college?” Fleming, who is quick to point out that she never belonged to a sorority in college, also noted that she found Sprinkles to be “a really stupid name for a boy dog.”
Sand and her sorority sisters considered getting rid of the grown-up Sprinkles, but decided that that would be the wrong thing to do.
“We talked about it,” said Sand. “And we decided even though Sprinkles is uglier and will never have a Facebook photo album dedicated to him again, we should still keep him. It would be really bad for our image around campus if we got rid of our dog.” Some sisters expressed hope that the large, rambumctious dog might serve as an incentive for boys to visit the house.
Although the sorority plans to Sprinkles,
their time together has not been easy since he stopped being cute.
“He always tries to cuddle with me and stuff and sleep on my bed,” says Hailey Brown, a sophomore who lives in the house. “It’s disgusting, he smells like an animal. We literally have an animal living in our house. Like, we don’t want that! We just want a puppy.”
Sprinkles has also reportedly began to pee in people’s shoes and take poops that take days to break down in the lawn.
“We’re trying, you know?” says Sand. “We’re really trying to love him and treat him like puppy Sprinkles. But it’s hard. It’s kind of the same situation as that girl Kendra who gained 35 pounds and got a really bad haircut after we gave her a bid. Apparently we can’t kick Kendra out of the house, either, so she and Sprinkles share a room now. Needless to say, it smells really bad.”
The sorority has decided they are willing to make it work with older Sprinkles. “At the end of the day, he’s still our Sprinkles,” says Sand. “And we only love him a little less.”
Originally Published April 2014