Student Desperate to Sublease Apartment for Summer Completely Willing to Overlook Any Prospective Subletter’s Total Insanity

Sources report that Engineering sophomore Lindsay Harper, who is currently looking for someone to sublet one of the bedrooms in her three-bedroom apartment while she returns home to Maryland for the summer, is more than willing to turn a blind eye to any potential subletter’s mental instaability, addiction issues, violent or criminal tendencies, and highly-infectious lethal diseases as long as they are willing to pay $300 per month plus utilities (or best offer).

Harper’s current advertisement, found posted throughout various Facebook groups, Craigslist, Michigan Daily advertisements, and campus buildings, boasts: “central AC, on-site laundry machines, close campus proximity, and two roommates who probably won’t even notice if you take small amounts of money from them at a time and/ or sneak into their rooms to watch them sleep at night.” Harper goes on to say that “men, smokers, unmedicated schizophrenics, and sufferers of MRSA [are] more than welcome!”

“I’m totally fine with subletting to anyone, even if they’re a little messy, quirky, or straight-up sociopathic,” Harper said. “Sure, I suppose I could screen any potential subletters a little more thoroughly to spare my current roommates any physical or emotional trauma, but if I do that there’s a good chance I’d be paying $550 a month for a room I won’t even be staying in this summer, and who wants to do that?”

“Besides, interviewing each possible leaser and giving multiple tours would take so much time, Harper continued. “It’s so much easier to find someone online or through personal advertisements.”

However, Harper remained adamant that dating websites or applications like Tinder are unacceptable search methods.

“Judging someone solely on looks, or mental stability, is so immoral. I will accept anyone who wants to live in my place, assuming they have the money, of course”

At present, Harper’s persistent marketing efforts have led to several highly interested subletters, including Marcus Porter-Levinson, who identifies as a human/ leech hybrid.

Porter-Levinson cites the “affordable rent, spacious rooms, and the presence of two female human vessels full of warm, delicious blood” as the primary reasons for his interest in the apartment.

 

Originally Published April 2014

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