Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Cannot Wait For Summer

During one of his most recent utterings, Justice Clarence Thomas professed that he just cannot wait for it to be summer already.

Thomas reportedly interrupted the proceedings with a loud groan during a case involving copyright laws.

“He’s not the youngest man on our court by any means, so my first reaction was to make sure he wasn’t in pain,” said Justice Roberts. “I asked him if he was alright and he just responded with a wistful sigh. I was growing exceedingly worried by this, but after a few beats he finally moaned ‘Can’t it just be summer already?’”

Thomas is not known for being terribly loquacious in court sessions causing this outburst to surprise his fellow justices, but they reportedly allowed Thomas to elaborate further after collectively deciding that they “totally deserved a break, considering how hard [they] work.”

“Clarence kept droning on about how he just wants to grill outside with some buds all day and stay out drinking until like 8 or 9 p.m.,” said  Roberts. “I couldn’t believe he was getting so off topic, but I didn’t cut him off because I didn’t think I’d ever hear his voice again.” Justice Thomas went on to discuss how “crazy” this past court session has been and how he is “just so physically and emotionally drained, you guys.” His fellow justices were stunned by hearing Thomas say so much, but were reportedly, “right there with [him], man.”

“Clarence has been working so hard this cycle. He is literally the most hardworking person I know. I think we’re all ready for a few carefree summer nights,” said Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, “I hear he and Elena Kagan are going to Cancun for a week after the session is over. I’m so jealous! I’m just headed back to Brooklyn to pick up a few lifeguarding shifts at the local pool. What a drag!”

As the conversation neared an end, Thomas reportedly professed his love for “seriously every single justice on this court” and explained that he was going to miss them “so much.”

“It was so nice to hear that from Clarence.  He’s quiet and kind of harsh on the outside, but on the inside he’s just such a sweet friend,” said Justice Roberts. “We’ll try to stay in touch over the summer and we’ll miss each other, but soon we’ll all be back together and it’ll be the best session ever!”

At press time, Thomas had reportedly changed his phone background to an overly saturated photograph of a palm tree and was seen perusing Happy Hour boards on Pintrest.

Originally Published April 2014

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