Rising Senior Declares that Incoming Class of 2018 Doesn’t Know Shit About Shit

According to LSA senior Charlie Lynn, who has been a student at the University of Michigan for the past three years, the incoming University freshmen “literally know nothing about anything.” Compared to Lynn, who has amassed over ninety-five credits worth of knowledge at the University, the incoming Class of 2018 has, apparently, “a bunch of fucking learning to do”.

“These dumb idiots don’t even know how little they know,” stated Lynn. “I mean, they know nothing! Nothing!”

Lynn continued to say that he, unlike the incoming freshman, at least knew some shit by the time he stepped through the doors at East Quad for orientation.

“Look, I’m not saying I had everything figured out when I was a freshman,” Lynn said, “but just look at their dopey, slack-jawed faces. Is that a look of complete fucking cluelessness or what?”

“I mean they’re going to be out there on the Diag with their big fucking backpacks and nerdy little lanyards, just radiating hope and excitement. That stupid bunch of morons still has all that fucking shit to learn and their entire college careers ahead of them.”

Lynn, on the other hand, literally could not even begin to describe how much he has learned during his time at Michigan.

“I learned so much stuff, you know? I mean, I can’t remember it now, but I knew it, you know? And these fucking losers know none of that shit! All that shit that I knew at one point!” an increasingly red and veiny-faced Lynn said.

“Memory is fleeting, and these fucking freshmen can’t get that through their thick-ass skulls!”

With only a small minority of incoming freshmen coming directly from the Ann Arbor area, Lynn also suspects that the new students would have no prior experience with the local scene.

“Do they know that Blue Lep is the fucking shit? Or that Rick’s charges a cover? You bet your sweet ass they don’t. Do they know that Fleetwood is open 24 hours and that being there at three in the morning, sitting at those small diner tables, is where they’ll meet some of their closest friends? That they’ll look back on those early mornings and get all fucking choked up? No! They’re a bunch of lame-ass queermos!” Lynn rabidly spat out.

Lynn went on to explain that the experiences he has accrued in his
three years at the university, such as living in an off-campus house this past year, are something the new students cannot possibly fathom.

“They’re going to be stuck up in their little dorm rooms, all warm and comfortable with their friends. That’s not the real world though, you know? The roof over their head doesn’t leak and they won’t have to make their own tasteless dinner, giving themselves food poisoning, and then have to clean their vomit and piss out of their own sheets.”

“You gotta blot that shit,” Lynn added.

Originally Published May 2014

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