Brady Hoke Suddenly Realizes His Career Depends on Hungover Teenagers

THE HOKE HOUSEHOLD—Head Football Coach Brady Hoke, who has recently been rumored to be in danger of losing his job, was reported as being “under the weather” late Friday night. According to sources close to the family, Hoke suffered a severe panic attack due to a sudden realization that his job and legacy depend completely on the performance of a bunch of hungover, and possibly still drunk, nineteen-year-old kids.

Although Coach Hoke declined to comment, his wife agreed to speak to the media. “After winning the Sugar Bowl his first year, the team has mostly disappointed, and his recruits have not always been living up to their expectations. He is recovering now, but we had quite a scare the other night. He woke up covered in sweat with his heart racing from fear that he will likely get fired if even one of his players underperforms and causes them to lose the game. And let’s face it,” Laura Hoke explained, “at least one of them will probably play poorly, especially considering that they will all have splitting headaches and high blood alcohol concentration.”

College football analysts provided similar commentary on Hoke’s job insecurity. College GameDay star and former Michigan Heisman Award Winner Desmond Howard said, “Man, just imagine Coach Hoke getting fired because someone like Devin Funchess drops a couple of critical passes. That’s two million dollars down the drain, not to mention his legacy at one of the most prestigious college football programs in sports history. Just think, if Funch hadn’t done those extra tequila shots Friday night, Coach Hoke could have been enjoying a new contract extension in Ann Arbor.”

Although Athletic Director Dave Brandon has repeatedly assured Hoke that his job is safe, witnesses confrmed at press time that Hoke has contacted Saturday Night Live with interest in making recurring appearances as Chris Christie.

Originally Published: September 2014

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