A screening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey turned hostile Saturday afternoon when, upon the conclusion of the film, local father Jeff Kelley suggested that his family “check out a few of the deleted scenes.”
“As soon as Jeff said he wanted to watch the special features, I knew our regular movie night had gotten out of hand,” Kelley’s wife Lynn reported.
Lynn stated that after having to sit through the entire three hour movie and then all of the end credits, “Because there was supposed to be bonus footage,” her husband pulled the DVD remote out from between the couch cushions, pointed it at the television, and then towards his family and asked, “nobody wants to watch anything else, right?”
“At that point I knew my family was in terrible danger,” said Lynn.
Jeff then reportedly allowed his trembling children a quick bathroom break, “But then we’re getting right back into this Hobbit action, woo! Who’s ready?”
Starting with pointless, unedited, and downright confusing deleted scenes and then seamlessly moving into the tragically unfunny blooper reel, Jeff forced his family to sit through nearly three additional hours of footage before allowing his wife to make a single phone call to Domino’s Pizza.
“He said, ‘We’re going to pause here. No one touch the TV. Lynn don’t forget cinnamon sticks.’ And that was my chance,” said Lynn, “I was going to order the food for carry out instead of delivery, take the kids, and then fake a minor car accident. I figured it could buy enough time for Jeff to fall asleep as he waited for us to get home.”
Despite her efforts, Lynn claims that her husband proceeded to take the phone from her and insisted that they upgrade to delivery so as not to miss a moment of Peter Jackson droning on about modern special effects.
Witnesses report that the hostage stand-off did not end until the following Sunday night, when the Kelley children were seen being hurried out of their home by their friends. At press time, the Kelley family was reportedly trying to convince their father that the second installment of The Hobbit surely was not yet available on DVD.
Originally published: Sept. 2014