Fantasy Football Pro Unable to Draft Girlfriend

THE MANCAVE—Despite months of painstaking preparation, area fantasy football expert Mike Davidson was unable to pick up a girlfriend in any round of his league’s fantasy draft last week.

“I feel like I made some really solid picks this year. I’m hoping to have a really good season,” said Davidson, whose roster now includes superstar wide receiver Calvin Johnson, but lacks a significant other with true playmaking ability. As has been true the past few years, Davidson’s team, “Tebrows before hos,” has once again failed to include quarterback Tim Tebow, nor any woman, ho or otherwise.

“Like most years, good ole Mike has a great shot to win his division,” said friend and league member James Smith. Davidson has appeared in the league playoffs every year since its formation, and has more fantasy football wins than anyone in his league. While he has won 3 championship titles, what Davidson reportedly truly wishes to capture is a companion to hold at night.

Davidson has not had a girlfriend since 2010, said Smith. While Davidson’s past teams went mostly injury-free, Davidson himself was often day-to-day with a broken heart.

“He’s always looking to pick someone up off of free agency, but there’s really not a lot of appealing choices,” said Smith. “There’s just not a lot of depth at the GF position. After the first few rounds, it just seems kind of picked over and all the good ones have been taken.”

Originally Published: September 2014

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