Jews Excited to Finally Be Bad Guys

THE HOLY LAND—Although Israel has drawn headlines for using excessive violence against Palestinian civilians in past weeks, Jews around the world are reportedly not feeling any guilt or shame. Rather, they are generally happy to finally be the perpetrators in a bloody global conflict.

“Throughout history, Jews are always the victims,” Jewish man and self-described Zionist Jacob Goldstein told reporters. “But this time, we’re the ones killing children and firing missiles with no regard for human life. It’s a really refreshing change. We are living in an era when our people are finally proud to say ‘I’m a Jew and I support Israel.’”

Jews all over the country are feeling extreme pride in their ethnicity’s newfound strength. Evan Finklestein, an eighth grader in Kansas City, had much to say. “Kids aren’t making fun of me for being Jewish anymore. They’re actually scared of me! Instead of teasing me about how my people are always suffering, whether it’s slavery in Egypt, the Spanish Inquisition, or the the Holocaust, the bullies run away from me on the playground. I’m finally getting the respect I deserve.”

Human rights organizations have condemned Israel’s actions in the West Bank, and some have even labeled their airstrikes as ethnic cleansing. Meanwhile, non-Jews do not seem to be disgusted by these crimes, and in many cases, they are impressed with the Chosen People’s historical turnaround. “I didn’t think those scrawny Jews had it in them,” area man Mitch Smith said. “I thought they’d just kind of roll over like usual, you know?”

However, other people not of Jewish faith have a very different view on the recent events in the Middle East. “Same as always,” Alabama native Johnny Williamson explained. “Jews causing all the trouble. Just like 9/11.”

 

Originally Published: September 2014

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