WASHINGTON—The NFL franchise formerly known as the Washington Redskins shocked the sports world Monday when they announced plans to change their team name to the “Federally Screwed Over Pre-Columbian Americans”, or, “Columbos” for short.
“We screwed up,” admitted Washington NFL franchise owner Dan Snyder, “I always viewed “Redskins” as a term of endearment. I was led to believe that everyone was on board with the name. My players were, my Native American friend was, hell even my wife loved it and she hates football! But now I see the error of my franchises’ ways.”
The team, which had come under increased political and social pressure to change their name, admitted that they hoped to respond to this pressure as swiftly as possible.
“We had a lot of potential names shooting around early on: ‘The Alcoholic Casino Owners’, ‘The American Land-Bridge Crossers’, even the “Bloody Good Scalpers’. Ultimately we decided that last one might have been a bit worse, actually.”
The new name is being hailed as “trailblazing” in the world of sports. Although many teams have recently changed their names from highly insensitive terms to more socially acceptable ones, such as the Miami Dolphins (formerly known as the “Raft-Riders”), even more teams have kept their names unchanged, no matter how offensive. Infamous examples include the Chicago Stabbers cricket team and the Missouri Stillborns water polo club.
“We were also throwing around ‘Forgotten Americans’, because, did you guys know how bad things are on Indian reservations?” said Snyder, “The poverty rate on one of those things is like four times that of the overall white population in the United States. The high school dropout rate is 30-75%, and that’s no joke. Nobody is really sure what the statistic actually is because no one has bothered to check. The unemployment rate, its like a jillion percent! Nobody has jobs! I was shocked, absolutely shocked when I learned that.”
As of press time, Notre Dame’s president released a statement acknowledging that they had no intention of following in the Redskin’s footsteps by also changing their name, admitting that the “The Drunken Irish” URL had already been taken.