THE LOCAL SPERM BANK— Despite their inability to have a child through conventional intercourse, newlyweds Joe and Lucy Evans’ in vitro conception was reportedly nonetheless magical.
“Everything about it was perfect,” Evans said. “The romantic, muted lighting, Seal’s ‘Kiss from a Rose’ playing softly on the stereo, and a vast selection of hardcore pornographic magazines and DVDs including, but not limited to, girl-on-girl, gangbang, amateur, and, of course, rosebudding.”
After leafing through the centerfold of Juggs magazine and finding a gorgeous blonde, Joe “knew [he] had found the right girl” to pleasure himself to.
“When I saw Shyanne from Brantley, Alabama on page 37, I knew she was the one. I could truly picture raising and caring for the beautiful children that would be the product of my masturbatory fantasy with her. When our eyes met, I knew that this was it,” Joe continued.
The resulting orgasm was even more intense, Joe reported.
“As I neared climax, I began quivering. I couldn’t help but weep at the beauty of it all. At the height of ecstasy, I let out a cry that I could swear that sweet Venus herself, the goddess of love and pleasure, could hear even atop Mt. Olympus. I hardly even noticed that I was making love with a sterile cup used to collect semen samples instead of with my soulmate.”
His wife, Lucy Evans, had much to say as well. “I’ll never forget the joy I felt sitting in that waiting room with the fluorescent lights and toddler throwing a temper tantrum while I waited for my husband to release his seed. And the receptionist yelling at the telemarketer on the phone was just the icing on the cake. It made the day really special.”
When asked whether she thought the event’s charm in her mind would diminish over time, Lucy responded, “Oh definitely not. I hope this story of my husband rubbing one out while I read Better Homes and Gardens in the waiting room will be passed down our family for generations to come. Personally, I think it might even be more romantic than the story of my conception, when my mom got knocked up in the back of her high school boyfriend’s pickup truck.”
Published Oct. 2014