Area Man Wrapped in Diag Hammock ‘Just Asking’ to Get Stabbed

Numerous individuals passing an area man relaxing Sunday afternoon in his cocoon hammock described the man as looking “totally stabbable.” The man reportedly mistook his spot between two trees on the Diag as the woods or some shit and was seriously this motherfucking close to getting stabbed.

“I’m not saying I’m gonna do it—that’s not what I’m saying,” remarked sophomore Jenny Simmons. “I’m just saying someone ought to put him in his place, you know? Like maybe give him a little warning stab, just a little one, with a sharp stick or something. How else will we ever know if it is two hippies getting it on in their tree shanty?”

Passersby made sure to point out such a stabbing should be nowhere fatal, maybe, just in the eye or the appendix or the spare kidney, whatever happens to get hit really. They also remarked that they were not crazy.

“If anyone’s crazy, it’s the guy who just tied a tarp between two trees and climbs inside, no field of vision, and just expects not to get stabbed,” said senior Lucas Klasko. “How am I supposed to know what’s in there without stabbing it? Like what if it is a bomb? Or, what if he suffocated in his hanging stab-bundle and was already dead? Then I’d be some kind of hero for finding his dead body before it started to rot—you have no idea how bad a dead body can smell after a few days left in the sun, or in my basement, or in my car…”

All parties involved agreed that after stabbing the mysterious hammock, attention should be turned to stabbing local pumpkins, balloons, pictures of parents, birthday cakes, expensive paintings and other guys who hang between trees and act like no one is going to stab them.

Published Oct. 2014

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