Dr. Pepper Loses Medical License After Giving Millions of Patients Diabetes

Amid the largest and tastiest medical scandal in American beverage industry history, the American Medical Association has suspended the medical license of Dr. Herman Pepper, who is allegedly responsible for giving Type-II diabetes to millions of his patients.

“Dr. Pepper’s alleged actions, if confirmed to be true, are morally reprehensible, as well as a major breach of ethics,” said AMA chairman Suzanne Scheidkrabb about the doctor who reportedly misdiagnosed patients on purpose and proceeded to prescribe them his own medication.

“When I first started losing feeling in my foot, I came to Dr. Pepper for some nutrition advice,” said former patient Tyler Clarke. “He just told me to stop drinking Coke so often and switch to the great refreshing taste of his medicated soft drink.”

“’Drink slowly,’ he told me, ‘Doctor’s orders,’” added the former patient, who is also now diabetic. While many patients have yet to develop diabetes, Dr. Pepper’s medicated beverage has also been linked to other non-advertised side effects. Patients have complained of toothaches, weight gains, and caffeine jitters after consuming the doctor’s recommended dose of “two liters a day for maximum goodness.”

Furthermore, the prescriptions often were unrelated to the diagnoses. “When I came to Dr. Pepper in 2011, I thought he was a man I could trust,” said former patient Melinda Barnett, who was prescribed 16 fl. oz. of “good time in a can” after being diagnosed with clinical depression. “The medication was tasty and refreshing, but I never got the help I needed.”

At press time, the doctor responded to the allegations, saying, “These attacks on my character are ridiculous, just like the ridiculously good flavor of Dr. Pepper Cherry.”

Published Oct. 2014

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