FAR EAST QUAD—A well-intentioned measure meant to provoke a sense of friendship and camaraderie among residents in East Quad’s Cooley House and 19th century imperialists turned tragic earlier this week after freshman Harry Xiang found himself enriched with friends and neighbors, but robbed of his formerly-unclaimed treaty ports of Shanghai, Nanjing, and Tientsin.
“One day I just woke up and these impeccably dressed European guys showed up and bam! they were gone,” said Xiang. “I can’t describe how I feel. I always considered myself a bit of an isolationist, but I was hoping this year would be the year I really put myself out there… I’m more frustrated than anything.”
The policy, which encourages all residents to leave their room doors open as a showing of friendship towards hallmates, was “never meant to be exploited,” according to rabid expansionist and hall RA, Johana Jay. “I just wanted everyone here to get along, you know? If you’re just hanging out and you see a door open and everyone’s inside having a good time, you can go join those friends. You catch a glimmer of Mario Kart on your way to the bathroom? Sweet, hop on in. That open door means, ‘Hey man, come in. Meet some people, chill out, and maybe finally do something with those lucrative tea reserves.’”
While no suspects have come forward, representatives from the Global Scholars Program have offered their condolences to the grief-stricken Xiang and promise the situation will improve – so long as he keeps a positive attitude, focuses on his studies, and allows British, American, Russian, and Belgian trading vessels unrestricted access to deep-water harbors.
As of press time, DPS is investigating both the incident and the future legality of similar hall guidelines. While productive leads have yet to surface, a department spokesperson insists that if the student had registered their harbors through the DPS website prior to the theft, they would have been returned by now.
Published Oct. 2014