‘Hoke’ Rhymes With ‘Joke.’ It Also Rhymes with ‘Choke.’ What Can We Do Here, Boys?


Okay, boys. So, the Michigan football team isn’t doing so hot right now. We’re losing games, the department’s embroiled in controversy, and the fans are really upset. They want a voice! This is really our time to shine. We need to get something killer in tomorrow’s issue that will leave everybody talking.

We need something that will drive clickthroughs to the website up the wall. I’m talking something that everybody will be linking to. Like even the big boy sports blogs too. And we’ve got a lot to play with here.

So I’m just going to start riffing here… Hoke’s name? It rhymes with “joke.” It also rhymes with “choke.” I know, right? It’s like we’re being spoon fed headlines here! And—holy fuck. Oh my god. Hoke’s name? It rhymes with Coke. Like, the company in that ticket controversy from a few weeks back. Oh wait. Wait. Maybe that isn’t really timely. Sorry, I just got carried away.

Still, we got Brady Joke and Brady Choke to work with. And…now, this might be going over our readers’ heads, but we could do something with the fact that Broke rhymes with—wait, I mean, crap, I just accidentally said it. I mean— yeah, Hoke rhymes with Broke. That’s what I was trying to say. You know, Brady starts with “Br-” so saying that so fast I accidentally got messed up while I was talking and I said “Broke” first when I was going to say it second. Brainfart! Again, my bad. Now for this one, we could be like implying that he should lose his job and will thus be “broke,” or maybe that he has fractured the athletics department in some way. It’s like one of those real thinker ones, guys. I can see it getting an RT from MGoBlog. You don’t think so? Well we’ll see what happens.

So, some options are Joke, Choke, and Joke. No wait, Joke, Choke and Broke. Now, I don’t really know what you guys are feelin’ on this one, but I wrote this one down on my phone on the way here, and again, no idea if it’s good or not: “Brady Cloak.” I’m thinking we phone in a couple guys from art to whip up a sketch of Hoke wearing a cloak and with an outstretched arm he is literally shrouding the word “CONTROVERSY” under his cloak. No? You’re killing me here! This would definitely be huge on Insta. Wow.

I mean, like do you even have anything to contribute here, Marco? You’re just gonna shoot down my ideas left and right? Are you the senior sports editor? No. I could literally have you back to covering women’s water polo at the snap of my fingers!

Sorry there, boys. Didn’t mean to get so heated. Sorry, Marco. I’m just all pumped up because we’re really onto something big here. Let’s get working on the body for this piece ASAP! If you need me, I’ll be in the office copy editing my op-ed “Waive Brandon.”

Published October 2014

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