According to the lead hiring representative at Miller Co., job applicant Theresa Webb was rejected for the position to which she applied due to her lack of a “professional appearance,” a consequence of her numerous visible tattoos and conspicuous visible ugliness.
“Though Theresa showed many of the qualifications we seek in an employee, we ultimately had to take her out of the running because of her large, unsightly tattoos and generally unsightly appearance,” explained Kyle Graves, hiring executive. “We at Miller Co. try abide by professional standards of appearance. And speaking of standards, you wouldn’t believe the upper lip hair she had going.”
In addition to a large tattoo on her chest and excess facial hair, Webb reportedly sported split ends and disproportionately short legs. Said Graves, “She actually showed up to this interview with dry, pasty skin. We were appalled. It’s as though she didn’t prepare at all. We expect a little more effort than what Theresa seems to be willing to give.”
Graves admits that the company’s appearance criteria may seem superficial. “Is this policy based on looks? Yes. Am I good looking? Yes,” he says. “Is this extremely important to our company’s morale and productivity? Absolutely.”
“I, for one, would rarely arrive at the office on time if I didn’t look forward to smelling Josh’s aftershave in the meeting room every morning. And seeing Clara’s perfectly white smile when I hand her a payroll report always reminds me that the work I’m doing truly makes a difference.” Graves conjectured that the company’s rise in production in recent months is directly related to his commitment to keeping his loafers shined.
Graves went on to explain that the company’s aversion to tattoos has deeper implications than appearance. “Theresa’s tattoo makes a very personal statement. What if I did hire Theresa, and she was assigned to an important client, and that particular client didn’t agree that those who wander aren’t lost? What do we do then?”
Graves asserted that the company aims to accommodate the desires of all clients and by creating an open, expressionless environment. “In all interactions, we aim to display ourselves in a professional manner, in which our employees have no personalities. We believe that superior customer service typically includes a robot-like quality.”
“A sexy robot,” Graves clarified.
“At the end of the day, a pleasant office environment is the most important thing to our company,” said Graves.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, a client ordered a pastry basket for the staff lounge this morning, and I need to make sure Clint from HR doesn’t eat more than one.”
Published Oct. 2014