THE NEXT STALL OVER—Calling the level of ambient noise in the nation’s public restrooms “humiliatingly low,” thousands of poop-shy Americans have begun campaigning in pursuit of noisier restrooms, claiming this would allow them to finally void their bashful, highly self-conscious bowels in peace.
Poop-shy individuals, who find it difficult or impossible to defecate within earshot of others, are calling on public establishments across the nation to increase background noise in order to conceal their various plops, splats, squelches from the prying, judgmental ears of fellow restroom patrons.
“If you can hear a pin drop in there, I know you can hear me dropping a deuce,” said poop-shyness sufferer Kelsey Bukowski. “ Personally, I’m just not comfortable with that level of auditory exposure.”
“If I have to choose between holding it in or taking the Browns to the Superbowl with the whole world listening, then Cleveland’s gonna have to wait another season,” added Bukowski.
In terms of lost productivity, researchers estimate that poop-shyness costs the U.S. up to $250 billion per year. Millions of workers miss meetings, deadlines, and conference calls due to the condition, waiting for colleagues to clear out of intimate, soundless restrooms.
For this reason, claim poop-shy advocacy groups, the renovations would quickly pay for themselves.
“We’re not asking that they blast Howard Stern in the background,” said a poop-shy individual who wished to remain anonymous. “We just want a little white noise to drown out our various dribbles and dunks.”
Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, disability advocate and attorney Maya Steinberg says the nation’s poop-shy may have some legal recourse. “We already accommodate mobility impairments in our public facilities. It’s time to accommodate excremental impairments as well.”
At press time, the nation’s poop-shy were nervously whistling in the stall next door, fooling absolutely no one.
Published Oct. 2014