Since recently settling into his remote Northwood III apartment, Michigan freshman Kyle Sleighter has elected to become asexual, mainly because his “fucking to being fucked over ratio [has] completely flipped.”
“I put posters on the bus stop signs for weekly Friday orgies and advertised free tongue-kisses outside my dorm room on weekdays,” said the the sexually frustrated freshman. “And I even offered to eat out a girl for 10 minutes during class so that she would ‘consider’ taking the 30 minute bus ride over to my place. Nothing’s worked at all!”
But, after three weeks of no male-female intimate physical contact, “becoming asexual was the most practical option,” according to Sleighter, who during his second week of school, prematurely ejaculated after a neighboring female student in his BIO 101 course accidentally kicked him across the back of the head as she shifted her legs.
“At first not self-pleasuring on a daily basis was a struggle, but I soon discovered that the reduced friction burns and cleanup costs have really made up for all the pent-up sexual frustration,” said Sleighter.
Sleighter was, according to one substitute teacher who bumped into him in the hallway junior year of high school, “a real go-getter.” But now, his roommate, Bill Hornsby, noted that he doesn’t even gawk at the “jiggling honkers” of jogging passersby.
“I’m a part of a support group on Northwood called Just Fuck Me Already that deals with this kind of stuff,” said Hornsby. “I tried to get him to join, but he seems pretty committed to the whole ‘no sex’ thing.”
Indeed, Sleighter remains upbeat and optimistic. With all of the time he has saved from not having to worry about relationships or watching endless hours of porn, Sleighter has maintained a solid 4.0 GPA, he said.
“Hopefully I’ll be able to stay in Northwood all four years,” said Sleighter. At press time, Sleighter is considering a major in Mechanical Engineering, which he considers the most effective career path in terms of keeping his penis dry.
Published Oct. 2014