Student Studying in UgLi Narrowly Survives Violent Onslaught of Insights into Sarah’s Personal Life

Area student Sam Bennett reportedly stepped onto the fourth floor of the Shapiro Undergraduate Library last Wednesday to study for his STATS 250 midterm, but instead was subject to a seemingly unending assault of very personal information by fellow student Sarah Friar.

Friar, who was stationed a few seats down from Bennett with her friend, Ana Eaton, did not hesitate to begin unleashing her juicy gossip on anyone within earshot.

The incident began with Friar ranting about her current relationship problems. Said Friar, “I’ve been on and off with this guy, for like, ever, and I feel like I’m way more into him than he is into me…like I don’t just want to be someone’s hookup, you know? He says he’s just not ready for a relationship, but like, how long am I going to wait for you?”

Bennett said he was completely caught off guard by Friar’s loud, vivid descriptions of her hookup sessions with the man in question, and that despite his retaliatory angry sighs and periodical dramatic turnings-of-the-head to look at the girls over his computer, Friar and Eaton continued to chat, unforgivingly.

“You can expect this kind of behavior on the second floor,” said Bennett. “it has even been prevalent on the third floor in recent history. But you just never expect this kind of thing to happen way up on the fourth floor. It always felt so secure.”

Sources on the ground report that even after they finished talking about Sarah’s relationship, Friar and Eaton continued to violate the once silent airspace with topics reportedly ranging from Eaton’s whorey friend Gina to whether or not Friar should go vegan.

“It wouldn’t stop,” Bennett said, muttering under his breath and shaking his head. “I tried to block it out and focus, but it just wouldn’t stop! Sometimes, when I’m up late at night doing frequency divisions, I can still hear her voice…”

Bennett says the experience has haunted him, and he’s taken to studying exclusively in the Law Quad “where it’s safe.” He says he hopes overcoming this difficult experience will, however, make him stronger.

“It’s hard to get over witnessing that level of disregard for human decency,” said Bennett. “But I know I am so much more than what I’ve been through, and I am strong enough to move past this experience.”

“Besides,” Bennett added, “He’s clearly hooking up with that slut Gina.”

Published Oct. 2014

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