BASEMENT DUNGEON OF EAST HALL—Sighting that they receive a better understanding of the material, higher scores on homework assignments, and a lingering sense of confusion as to how they were actually admitted into the University of Michigan in the first place, a recent study conducted by the University has found that 97 percent of students who seek homework help from graduate student instructors in the Math Lab report serious academic advantages.
“I put off taking Calc I until this year because I would rather be subject to CIA-grade torture than do math, but it’s technically a pre-requisite for my major,” said LSA junior Alicia Miller. “But I’ve found that I can actually just barely sneak by in the class when I get help from the Math Lab tutors, but damn, I’m pretty sure they all got their minors in Moral Debasement,” claimed Miller.
According to campus officials, the Math Lab is the best on-campus resource for free math tutoring. However, the results of Michigan’s most recent study into student life have revealed that the Math Lab is also ranked as the “best location on campus to go when you want to feel like a kicked puppy.”
“It’s funny, when I thought about where I would be with less than two years left of college, it wasn’t in a bathroom in the basement of East Hall crying on the phone to my mom because a Scandinavian GSI asked how sure I was I wanted to be a doctor,” recalled Miller.
Miller also stated that not only has her self-esteem in regards to her academic performance suffered since the Math Lab incident, but her confidence in performing basic human functions has as well.
“Yesterday I was making dinner for my housemates, and I totally undercooked the chicken, and I’m the only person in this house who even knows how to use the oven. How am I supposed perform surgery if I can’t even function as a person and cook a fucking chicken breast?”
The Math Department has not released a comment on Miller’s recent psychological implosion, but the former pre-med student was last seen at a secluded table in the UgLi sobbing over her impeccable high school transcript and ACT score report while drafting an email to her advisor about changing her major to Women’s Studies.
Originally Published October 2014