Area Man Now Financially Stable, Physically Healthy Enough to Have Emotional Problems

JUST ANOTHER POTHOLE IN THE ROAD OF LIFE—Sacramento, California man Timothy Davies has found, now that his finances and physical health are in order, he is finally able to have emotional problems derived from personal, professional, and romantic relationships.

“I was struggling to pay the rent on my apartment for months, and I was having some serious issues with my lower back,” Davies said. “Last week I finished physical therapy and I was able to get a loan, and I thought my problems would be over, but then, boom! Mild OCD! Existential crises! Questioning how my mother raised me! Where’d this all come from?”

“I’m amazed that I wasn’t attuned to it before,” Davies continued. “I mean, surely issues this important would have taken precedence over my access to shelter or my physical well-being. I’ve only just started free-writing about this stuff in Starbucks, can you believe that?”

Robert Porter, a neighbor of Davies’, said ”I really have no idea what’s gotten into him lately. I guess I’m just too preoccupied since my doctor told me my pancreatic cancer is back so that’s been on my mind a lot. I’m happy for him though.”

However, Davies’ girlfriend Marie Gleason is more understanding, saying, “I really feel like I understand what Tim’s going through right now. When you’re in the prime of youthful health and set for life with a trust fund like me, that leaves time for all kinds of emotional issues. I’m so glad that Tim and I will be able to share the burden of wondering if people are staring at us at the gym. I’ve already got him hooked on Tumblr too!”

“I used to empathize with those less fortunate,” said Davies, “but I’m beyond that now. I’ve got more important things to worry about, like whether my somewhat reserved personality might be affecting my relationships with my coworkers.”

When asked what he plans to do with his newfound emotional awareness and dissatisfaction, Davies said he would “probably just take a walk down one of my neighborhood’s many clean, safe streets, and wonder if life even has a point.”

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