After a long night of studying for midterms in the UGLi, every single person on campus was reportedly convinced that they “definitely have a shot” with that cute girl who works at Bert’s.
Sources confirmed that the girl, who serves coffee to “literally thousands” of students every weeknight, is now being romantically pursued by every member of the campus community, without exception. Every person on campus has reported that when they eventually get the courage to ask her out, “she will absolutely say yes.”
“Sure, she smiles at all of the customers, and sometimes even asks what they’re working on at two in the morning,” said LSA Junior Robert Cooper, “But when she rings me up at the register and proceeds to ask for my Mcard, I can tell she’s envisioning us spending our lives together, just like I am.”
“And don’t get me started on the way she always asks ‘are you a student?’ before I pay,” Cooper continued. “Of course she knows I’m a student. She’s such a jokester. Isn’t she great?”
Sophomore Billy Weissman expressed similar feelings. “She knows me so well. When she sees me waiting on line and we make eye contact, I know she’s thinking, ‘he’s going to get a medium mocha and a banana, as always.’ We’re that close. All she needs is my name, and I’m in.”
Despite the vast number of students on campus who are smitten by her, the girl is reportedly not interested in any of her suitors. “Of course I can see how all the customers look at me,” she explained to reporters. “Even when I’m just sitting in class I can feel all of the eyes in the lecture hall staring at me, fantasizing about what kind of coffee they’re going to order, or what small talk they’re going to try later that evening. I’m just lucky I have a boyfriend who goes to a different school. If he went here and knew the amount of attention I get, I’d definitely have to find another job.”
At press time, those studying in the UGLi were considering taking a study break to get another muffin, but only if it’s her shift.
