Star Athlete Lauded for Being Mediocre Human

DALLAS – DeMarco Murray, Dallas Cowboys running back and emerging NFL superstar, is drawing raves on and off the field, acclaimed by fans as not only “a young man with a promising career” but also “not a total dick” and “a reasonably mediocre human being.”

Murray was further praised by Cowboys head coach Jason Garret as “a person with remarkable normal- human behavior.”

“I remember this one time during his rookie season, Murray had been asked several questions by reporters at a postgame press conference regarding his inexperience on the professional football field. Now, Murray didn’t have to answer those questions, but, like any normal human being, he did. Furthermore, none of his comments revealed that he had ever beat his children, his wife, or ever murdered anybody. It was then that I knew this kid was something special.”

Murray, 26, currently leads the NFL in total rushing yards and is poised to sign a big money contract next season to which he is reportedly “willing to negotiate”. ESPN analyst Todd Buschey even predicts Murray’s “general awareness of other people’s feelings” could lead to a potential boost in his overall popularity. Not only has the star-powered Murray already racked up over 1,000 yards this season, but according to his agent, he has only “on occasion” illegally used prostitutes.

Devoted Cowboys fan Barry Succop, believes Murray might in fact be the most upstanding player in the longstanding history of the NFL. “During training camp I had a VIP pass to meet all of the Cowboys players. As I walked up to Murray I had accidentally sneezed, but he had the basic human decency to say ‘Bless you’ – A real standout athlete.”

Garret later confirmed that despite the trial two weeks away, Murray has yet to be lawfully convicted of sexual assault, earning high praise by the nation’s women for his lack of documented hostility towards them.

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