Sources report that LSA junior Rory Gilhard has continuously been seen talking, tweeting, and bragging about Alpha Chi Sigma, the University of Michigan’s professional chemistry fraternity, as if it’s not just some goddamn nerd club.
“Oh man, I still can’t believe I got in,” Gilhard said. “Of course I’m just a pledge, so I guess I can’t say ‘I’m in’ for sure yet, but still, they chose me to join one of the top-tier chemistry frats!”
Alpha Chi Sigma-Alpha Beta chapter, which is founded on brotherhood, advancement of chemistry as both a science and a profession, and being the closest thing possible to a literal pussy repellent, has a rushing process similar to other fraternities on campus, but without the social prestige, wild tailgates, or any redeeming quality.
“Rush has been total hell so far, although it’s brought all of us pledges so much closer together,” said Gilhard, who would still be considered a GDI by any respectable Greek Life chapter on campus. “Sure, I might be humiliated and pushed to the edge by my pledgemaster when he paddles us for incorrectly balancing complex chemical equations, but in the end I know it’s all going to be worth it.”
While Alpha Chi Sigma members typically deny to anyone that they have any involvement with the group out of justifiable concerns that it would reveal how lame they truly are, Gilhard has repeatedly been heard shouting “Alpha Chi ‘til I die!” around campus, as well as sporting a “sick AX tattoo” on his upper left bicep.
“So far, frat life has been everything I hoped for,” Gilhard said. “The unbre
akable bonds of brotherhood are unlike those in any molecule known to exist. Not to mention the outrageous study parties and the endless root beer kegs… it’s like something out of a movie.”
Originally Published November 2014