Daniel. It’s been 24 hours since that Yak really took off. I know you’re still reeling in excitement about your first number one, but it’s time to act. You don’t want to be a one-hit wonder, do you? Your Yakarma is not going to build itself. Post something. Now, now—not just anything. Make sure it’s good. Take your time, Daniel.
But not too much time. Too much time away and they’ll forget about you. Remember when you went away to camp and your girlfriend forgot about you? Let’s hope you’ve learned your lesson. Come on Daniel, don’t tell us you’re losing steam. Post something funny and sexual. You see, it doesn’t matter that you’ve never even had sex in your life, Daniel. That’s the magic of the Yak. If you listen to us, you can pretend to be a different person entirely.
If you’re really running low on ideas, you worthless piece of shit, post one of those go-to funny stories you keep in your back pocket. You know, the ones you whip out to prove your worth when you feel awkward at parties. Reformat one of those for the limited-character generation. Do it. Do it now.
You can’t just pussy out, Dan! The Yak is your life. This is all you have going for you. Are you honestly struggling to come up with content for the Yak? Maybe this is why no one loves you. You’re a undeclared sophomore who can’t get ass. Your professors don’t know your name. Your parents haven’t called you in weeks. Will you ever even make it out into the real world? That’s right. Build off this. Post something depressing. The Yak loves relatable self-deprecation.
You need to keep going, Daniel. Follow the thirst for fame. Make a plan. You need to cater to the unwashed masses. The plebeians. Remember, once something gets downvoted, it’s more likely for the hivemind to continue to assail your content into ruin. They all want to see you fail, Daniel. So, whatever you post, make sure it’s quality.
Do you think you can manage that, little Danny? And at all costs, upvote it yourself to get the ball rolling. Make your friends upvote it as well. If you have any left. And maybe, just maybe, we can make it back to number one.