CASUAL CONVERSATIONS EVERYWHERE—Sources confirmed Thursday that local man Dan Corona has been offering many confident but ultimately uninformed explanations for the area’s lake effect weather.
“It’s simple. Water precipitates backwards into my butts, but it’s cold, so it freezes, and that’s why the snow goes upwards,” explained Corona just last week. In numerous conversational exchanges over the past few weeks, Corona has reportedly insisted that his various, unclear explanations are correct.
“So you have the water molecules: H-2-O. That’s because Hydrogen is turning ‘2’ oxygen, and oxygen is just air, and air floats, so the snow goes upwards. Do you understand? Like a balloon.”
According to sources, Corona has convinced three others that the warped, illogical dribble he produces is accepted fact.
“I repeated Dan’s explanation to my husband,” said Corona’s coworker Linda Bourgon, “and he bluntly told me that no, lake-effect snow is not caused by the gravitational pull of the moon. I should have known, but Dan sounded so confident in his explanation of why the snow goes upwards, or something.”
Bystanders like Linda are not the only people hurt by Corona’s wild, unfounded speculation. Family members have expressed concern that his own children are suffering in school as a result of trusting their father’s pseudoscientific assumptions.
“When I told my dad that Ms. Kathy said lake-effect snow was caused by cold air moving over warmer lake water and picking up water vapor, which then freezes and is deposited on downwind shores, he got mad and told me to tell her ‘lake-effect snow is caused by metallic pollutants in the damn water being intercepted by the Earth’s damn magnetic field, which makes it snow f-word up.”
At press time Corona had still not admitted to his lack of understanding, but almost considered taking time to visit weather.com.