Sources report that despite nine- year-old Acharya Nhek’s letter to Santa last week requesting “water that is not brown and does not make our bellies feel as if they are on fire,” the Sunrise Children’s Orphanage in Dangkor, Cambodia has still not received water that demonstrates any semblance of potability.
Nhek, despite promising to “say [his] prayers every night, share [his] mosquito net with [his] friends, and accept [his] daily beatings with humility and gratefulness” in exchange for a pure, life-giving water source, has clearly not followed through on his word, thereby fucking over the entire thirsty and dysenteric orphanage.
“It’s just unbelievable,” said 11-year-old Malis Toch. “My younger sister, who was adopted by an American family, got a Wii U for Christmas last year and all she had to do was pick up her toys and wash the dishes. What’s Acharya’s excuse?”
Nhek, who apparently can’t even be troubled to reign in his selfish, inconsiderate tendencies long enough to please an omnipotent bearded white man before an arbitrary date in December, has responded by moping around and whining, saying he “[doesn’t] know what [he] did to deserve such a miserable existence.”
Sunrise Children’s Orphanage administrators are now reportedly looking towards foreign relief aid outside of the North Pole, but volunteers are skeptical that any lasting permanent change will be achieved without the aid of an obese, magical elf.
“We’re put in a tough situation,” said American volunteer Chad Price. “You try to help these kids, but at a certain point they have to help themselves,” Price said, as he sipped from a chilled bottle of Evian.
Originally Published Dec. 2014
