In contrast with the traditional spring commencement ceremonies that have taken place in the Big House, hosted tens of thousands of people, and featured such guest speakers as Bill Clinton, Sanjay Gupta, and Barack Obama, this year’s winter commencement will likely reach a peak level of excitement when overachieving LSA senior Hannah Tremain describes at length how the graduating class of December 2014 is just as key to the world’s future as glucose is to photosynthetic organisms.
Sources report that the student speaker’s ramblings linking education, friendship, and the rough endoplasmic reticulum of the common dogwood tree cell will no doubt shine like a diamond in comparison with the faded maize and blue streamers purchased from Party City that will adorn the Chrisler arena, the middle school band hired to play ‘Hail to the Victors,’ and the headlining speech by washed-up astronaut Charles F. Bolden Jr, who hasn’t even left the earth’s lithosphere.
“I’m honored to have been selected by the university to serve as the voice of the graduating class of December 2014,” Tremain said. “I can only hope that the audience will think that my speech on plant biology as a metaphor for graduation, as well as how my favorite Dr. Seuss book relates to U of M graduates’ futures, is as great as I think it is.”
After hearing Tremain’s speech, President Mark Schlissel spoke highly of Tremain’s abilities, stating that her speech demonstrated “incredible articulation and critical thinking skills,” and may have not even been “instantly rejected in the initial rounds of screening if it were in the running for the spring commencement student speech.”
“I know that winter commencement is not traditionally thought of as the most glamorous occasion, but [Tremain’s speech] is just one of the many reasons our winter commencement will be so excellent,” Schlissel continued. “And if students have any suggestions as to how we could improve in the future, please reach out to us so that we may better serve you. Or hey, maybe you could just shut your mouths and think about how you could have graduated in spring if you had only taken an extra class or two the past couple of semesters.”
Tremain’s speech is sure not only to earn praise from the administration, but also from students.
“When I realized the best part of winter commencement was going to be listening to a plant biology major drone on for four minutes, I was ecstatic,” said Engineering senior Ken Rike. “I can’t wait for the day 15, 20 years from now where I show pictures to my kids from my winter commencement. I sincerely hope they can look back on this day and realize how much I regretted not walking in spring like everybody told me to do.”
At press time, Mark Schlissel and about 500 other goddamned people on campus were encouraging soon- to-be graduates to donate generously to the university as soon as they are able to, as “even the littlest bit helps keep our school maintain its world- class status!”