I have to admit—these past 2000+ birthdays have been incredible. And I’d really like to let the Western world know how much I appreciate all of its efforts to make every birthday an absolute blast year after year. I mean, the first one was really wild. How much livestock did we manage to pack into that manger? Oh man, that was crazy. I still have that bottle of Myrrh. And last year when Mariah Carey wore that sexy little elf outfit at the NYC Jingle Bell Ball just to celebrate my miraculous, virgin birth—that was so thoughtful.
But it’s been a few millennia now, and as I’ve matured, I’ve begun to realize I don’t need all this fuss. I mean I know I sort of saved you all from eternal damnation, but hey, you also wrote a lot of really catchy songs about my birth (“O Little Town of Bethlehem” is my jam). So I guess we could call it even. Granted, you all probably feel like you’ll never stop owing me, but really, I don’t need all the attention. Maybe we could all grab a slice at that new pizza place on Fourth Street instead of singing about how unprecedented, amazing, and beautiful the gift of my existence was.
Sure, I love to look back on the glory days, running around Nazareth, spreading the good word, hanging out with the Troublesome Twelve, and doing a lot of unnecessary construction work. But it’s time to accept the fact that those days are gone and that I am soon going to be 2014 years old. And in the past 2014 years, it kinda seems like maybe we got a little caught up in the festivities.
I mean, back in the old days, it was pretty chill. You’d break out the Christmas goose, the kids would get a couple of toys apiece, and you’d gather around the fire singing songs and holding hands. But nowadays, a guy could practically drown in the decadent parade of gift cards, clothes, and gadgets. I don’t know, I just don’t want anyone to make too big of a deal of this—I’m only human, you know? Well, half-human and half divine incarnation.
But if you already planned something and just haven’t told me, that’s cool, too. I wouldn’t be mad or anything. A little get together wouldn’t be out of the question—maybe just a small gathering of close friends and family. And hey, if anyone decides to get me the new iPhone 6 for my birthday, I wouldn’t complain either.
Originally published Dec. 2014